The day stinks with frustration and short fuses. I cross my arms. I’m leaving. I can’t stand this. I’m going. My empty threats fill the room. I’m packing my backpack, I pause. I pack. I pause. He’s silent, I can’t move. I have nowhere to go. He scoots to the edge of the bed Come here baby I collapse into his lap Tears stream down my cheeks How can you be around me? I don’t understand Because I love you. Because we both aren’t perfect. Because the bad comes so sparingly with the good. I’m silent. I love you too.
I like to imagine my life as smooth pavement, gliding along on my board; carving, pushing sliding. Yet this violent image of me falling on my face and tearing up my body pops right into the middle of it. I’m laughing… with blood smeared teeth and road burns covering my skin yet peeling it back… I’m fucking laughing, blood and spit drooling down. Hop back on and keep pushing. Pain, can’t stop us. Only the fear of pain will limit us.
I reminisce on the lives I could have lived The places, people, accomplishments that should, woulda, coulda. Is it a loss if you know exactly where it went? It went with another choice, it ran the other way when you met him, her, them You weren’t supposed to lead those lives, they found someone else. Your life is beautiful Your life is chaotic Your life is not lost, it’s in the palm of your hand “Youth is wasted on the young,” they say. We’re so busy looking back then charging our vision forward that we’ve lost something we haven’t even found yet.
Memories of lost time Confined to quiet tears Pressed against my will A door not to be opened Nail it, screw it slam it shut I bolt the remnants of you in a trunk; chain and all I won’t pick up your calls My heart weeps at a loss so deep I mourn for the living Like a tanked fish mourns for the sea you said, “You’re just like me, you see.” But I ripped my eyes out The fear too great, I would rather be blind Than watch myself become like you I slam my head in grief A wave against reef To the cliffs, I shall retreat You’ll never get to meet This fabulous creature You eternal leech. Odes to toads.
Nectar from the juicy unknown . . . Diving into the world like a swan A sunrise in a new dawn Can I keep a secret? I may just repeat it Over and over through my head All my friends think I’m dead Lack of communication Derived from no inclination, devastation or frustration It’s all blind love Hailing transmits from up above As if it were the word of God Love this man until it tears you, wears you, smears the nectar Now its discreet to none I am shunned, yet always welcomed.
13/09/18 Blue bandana, soft white coat Walking down the street Look as she floats Swallowing butterflies Hoping to take flight Hollowing internal lies Whispers of agony Met by swatters The whispers grow louder Swatters grow larger Shes strong She holds on Eyes flicker at her sight With pure delight See her sway Step by step Chaotic beauty Hair unkempt How is it she can grow? All this dead waste holding her back Like an arrow they say Fling forward and never look back The past is stuck But the present is fluid Make like an octopus And squeeze right through it
I’m standing at the edge Where the white line suggests obedience cream of white, startling the sun a slap of wheels to cracked rock concrete a moon shining straight ahead there is no will if it is not free push fast, push quick I am not a tree Sweet sweat streaks down rosy tint in a rosy hat the sun beating loud