Views from a clouded head, one way to go a thousand ways to explode. Step one way you may decay stuck for a decade. Lost in the horizon I could tell ya where to find em, the ones who live life peachy keen.. the ones whose love could separate the sea. I wish you could see. Your eyes are white washed, concentrated towards the same days thrown on repeat bound to keep the same dull fire stroked whoops I meant stoked let’s pour water on it; soaked. One day you’ll wake up and choke, realizing it’s all been a hoax, your ass filled with smoke. All you are is boring and dry, stuck to the ground peering at the sky.
I’ve been held down in a deep darkness, it’s like being choked to death then gently kissed on the cheek repeatedly. My mind furiously spinning toward the edge then pulled back by some saving grace. When you think there’s nothing else, that your life is meaningless when the anger turns to tears streaming down your cheeks and the self loathing is unbearable …. take a deep breathe, take a hundred deep breathes then stay in your body until you realize you’re apart of the most beautiful consciousness. There is no purpose except to be at peace with yourself and the process of life
I found myself in the same old struggle, not believing I was worthy of anything good to come my way. I pleaded to a higher power; unleash me from my own chains, help me gain freedom from the depths of self-inflicted pain.
The day stinks with frustration and short fuses. I cross my arms. I’m leaving. I can’t stand this. I’m going. My empty threats fill the room. I’m packing my backpack, I pause. I pack. I pause. He’s silent, I can’t move. I have nowhere to go. He scoots to the edge of the bed Come here baby I collapse into his lap Tears stream down my cheeks How can you be around me? I don’t understand Because I love you. Because we both aren’t perfect. Because the bad comes so sparingly with the good. I’m silent. I love you too.
I like to imagine my life as smooth pavement, gliding along on my board; carving, pushing sliding. Yet this violent image of me falling on my face and tearing up my body pops right into the middle of it. I’m laughing… with blood smeared teeth and road burns covering my skin yet peeling it back… I’m fucking laughing, blood and spit drooling down. Hop back on and keep pushing. Pain, can’t stop us. Only the fear of pain will limit us.
I reminisce on the lives I could have lived The places, people, accomplishments that should, woulda, coulda. Is it a loss if you know exactly where it went? It went with another choice, it ran the other way when you met him, her, them You weren’t supposed to lead those lives, they found someone else. Your life is beautiful Your life is chaotic Your life is not lost, it’s in the palm of your hand “Youth is wasted on the young,” they say. We’re so busy looking back then charging our vision forward that we’ve lost something we haven’t even found yet.
Memories of lost time Confined to quiet tears Pressed against my will A door not to be opened Nail it, screw it slam it shut I bolt the remnants of you in a trunk; chain and all I won’t pick up your calls My heart weeps at a loss so deep I mourn for the living Like a tanked fish mourns for the sea you said, “You’re just like me, you see.” But I ripped my eyes out The fear too great, I would rather be blind Than watch myself become like you I slam my head in grief A wave against reef To the cliffs, I shall retreat You’ll never get to meet This fabulous creature You eternal leech. Odes to toads.